shit i can't even remember wat was going on in my life last time i posted here. 
well let's start with the typical updates: i'm in college @ FAU i like it for now. i live in the dorms and i can't stand them so i'll be moving to an apartment once may hits and my lease is up. it sucks that i gotta stick it out til then but meh that's life. i'm seeing someone fantastic. i've liked him for a loooooooooong time and we've been together for about 6 months solid. there was a 3 or 4 month period before that but i wasn't very serious about him and in fact ended it with him to see someone else for about a week. it was stupid and i ended that quickly and realized what an amazing guy i have. umm let's see.... friends seem to come and go like the wind and idk there's not much i can do or say about that. college brings about a huge change and idk. it went from me and my best friend being 5 mins away from each other and spending every waking moment together to me in boca her in davie and boyfriends in ftl. most people would see this as a chance for us to hang out in ftl. but to my dismay my bf doesn't particularly care for my bestie and it puts a strain on me. i love spending time with him but i miss spending time with her. idk. it's complex and it just hurts me. he thinks she's immature which she can be at times and she just doesn't understand that he doesn't wanna hang out with her. i think it hurts her that i'm with him regardless of this. i know i know chicks before dicks. but she's wrapped up in her bf and i don't see her unless she's with him so i mean... idk. it's a tricky situation. halloween night me & the bestie hung out (@ her bfs of course!) and it was fun and then i left to see my bf so i mean i do try to balance but its hard. idk. i hate being 3rd or 5th wheel (my other good friend is dating bestie's bf's neighbor) and my bf doesn't like the lot of them so i hang out with them and i'm odd girl out. i try my best to cope with it but its hard. idk. i know people have it way worse in life and i'm lucky if that's the only thing i really can complain about. 
school is much harder then i thought it would be. i'm just not at all motivated to go to class or anything. i just can't seem to get myself to care about it. 
i'm working 30+ hours a week which is soo much better then school. honestly i love my job. i'm a secretary for a marina in ftl and it's just an amazing job. i play around on the computer all day and don't really do much. but when  i do have work i put my whole being into getting it done. i just love my job.
i miss having my friends 10 feet away and it sucks so bad but i can't do anything about it. that's part of growing up. 

my family is all getting along good lately which is fantastic! 
i honestly think i'm out of things to write which sucks cuz i forgot how much i like to write in this thing.

alright well i'm out i won't waste anymore space.

i wonder who still uses lj?

so somewhere along the way of becoming friends i fell for him. it was stupid of me & i knew it wouldn't work. but i had it in my head that we we're just as we appeared,... just friends.

but then he did something to me that i couldn't ignore & suddenly rumors were flying that we were "dating."

i'm so glad everyone takes such an avid interest in my personal life.

as a result of running their mouths about ME, i ended up without him in my life at all.

i really appreciate it guys. 

not that it's anyone's business but my own but he & i weren't dating nor are we nor will we ever, & now i can't even call him & cry to him because i need my best friend back. 

on another note of this random update: 
my sister might has a serious issue. she had to be scraped *i'm told it's quite painful* to check for cervical cancer. 

i'm highly concerned and am tired. i stress about it nonstop and so i'm not sleeping and so i'm doing poorly in school and fighting with my parents pretty much nonstop. i hate it.

and it appears that my ex whom i remained good friends with is now dating the person solely responsible for me loosing my best friend. i feel so completely betrayed by him that i want to not call him ever again. so i don't. 

i cried to him the other night about everything and he was all like wow that sucks. and i expected a call the next day but he didn't call. and he wonders why i say she's a bitch. 

so i hope everyone's lives are running a little bit smoother then my own and 
have a great thanksgiving. 

so i had a crazyass dream last night. well actually a series of weird dreams.
firstly: hunter & i were hanging out with my mom & sister, we were drivin in hunter's truck & my mom & sister were behind us. it was just odd.
secondly: mike & i were hanging out @ like a rest station(?) on the side of the road kinda thing. & we were still being on break,.. & then like i walked away & he followed me cuz we were with a bunch of random people that in my dream i knew but i didn't actually know,.. so we walk away & im like shaking cuz im upset & we just start talking. ok so this whole break thing played a major role in this. we talked about how i keep hearin that he is having other girls sleep at the house, & he heard that i was hanging out with my ex *whom mike despises* & my ex's friend *whom mike thinks wants in my pants* so i get all pissy & respond "i went to dinner one night with sam's bf @ sam's work & kurt was there." & he was all like i'm sorry baby & tried to like grab me to hold me & i was like don't touch me. it was just odd. but now i need to talk to mike becuz i don't want to wait 2 weeks for him to figure this shit out.

cuz in real life now: mike & i have been together for more then a month & we're on break while he decides if i am what he wants. i'm sorry but like it's been 4 days since we're on break. i don't know anymore. his whole family thinks he is being stupid for this. his sister told him he's a jackass! his roommate thinks he's being a jackass! EVERYONE THAT KNOWS THINKS HE IS BEING A JACKASS!!! but w/e. i'm just tired of this. i told him he has a grand total of 2 weeks to figure this all out. he won't call or text me, i haven't talked to him since, & i even called him to say happy birthday yesterday.

thirdly: i had a dream involving kurt. idk. i don't even really remember it, i just remember that kurt was in my dream.

ok so i hope everyone is well & everything is going good for everyone else.

leave me comments & tell me everything is allright with you.

i hope life gets better from here.

i'm beginning to think it never will.

fuck

fuck

fuck

FUCK

i was going to elaborate on my previous entry but i realized that more people comment when i have short entries.
so
ill leave it be.
but

i hate myself & i hate YOU for making me hate ME

well...

 fuck you.